i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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