My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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