Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
