dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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