first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
