I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
