You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
