Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
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