a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
