I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
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