my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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