so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
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