Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
