it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
