Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize