So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
