I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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