I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
The beer is more important than you right now.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
