I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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