my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize