my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Will exercising make me less horny?
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