I'm so fucking centered right now
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
