life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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