mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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