You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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