did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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