I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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