that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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