haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
