Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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