i can't believe i had my finger in that
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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