So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
