I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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