My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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