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let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
