you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
