Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
