so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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