We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
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