you would pick up someone in the library
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
