we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
