Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
