You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Is Oprah even human
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
