i just had sex bonerless
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
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