party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
