I think i sorta joined a cult last night
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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