I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
