if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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