Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
