Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I fill condoms, not promises.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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