you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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