I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
