i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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