I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
