I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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