I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Randomize
