yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Randomize
