I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
