he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
