Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
