dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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