She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I have feelings that need drinking.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
